Jul 24, 2023

The boulder of unbelief is predicated on the assumption that I’ve already experienced everything available to me and there is nothing more.

 It’s funny how when you go through dry seasons you forget what rivers of living water felt like. When you’re making more withdrawals from your spiritual bank account because of ministry you realize that the amount of deposits need to increase. The account can get lopsided quickly and your spirit dries up. Recently a minister noted in one of his messages, that the Lord always announces His coming but He never announces His departure. I must say this is true in my own life. The Holy Spirit makes His entrance well known but there are times I’ve found myself searching for Him unaware that His presence had slipped out the back door days or months ago. 

  Many struggle with this idea that we invite the Holy Spirit. The argument is why are we inviting Him when he’s already here and He says I will not leave you nor forsake you. I agree He is everywhere, but I want him here. Scripture also reminds us that He is close to the broken-hearted. Lord, come close I pray. I found myself praying a very specific prayer in early 2022. “Lord, increase my capacity to contain more of you.” The warning lights on my souls dashboard were screaming at me. Overwhelm was creeping in and my patience with people (God’s most prized possession) was starting to wain. 

  I was still struggling with a huge amount of imposter syndrome also known as the enemy whispering in my ear everyday . . . “How in the world did you get this position? You know you’re a secretary, you don’t have what it takes. You’ve been elevated to your highest level of incompetence. You think all those young male youth pastors are going to follow you? You haven’t youth pastored since 2000 you’re irrelevant. You know you’re a woman right, they won’t follow you. They won’t follow you. They won’t follow you.” It was like the old days when your CD player would get stuck on one phrase. The crazy thing about the enemies lies is that they carry a lot of truth to them. He was right, I wasn’t enough, I didn’t carry the most influence in the room and I had leaders on my team that were much better leaders than I was. 

  For a long time I didn’t even realize these thoughts were circling around inside my mind, I just knew I felt overwhelmed and deflated. I realize now this was a spiritual battle and like a small bird pecking at me the enemy was trying to break me down and get me to quit. The constant nagging from the enemy was destroying my confidence tripping other lights on my dashboard and they started blinking . . . I was now becoming desperate and I had no idea that desperation is the best place to be. 

  Since I was five years old I’ve known the lamb of God, but in 2022, I met the Lion of Judah. It was early January 2022. I was home sick for a week with the flu. It wasn’t COVID thank God but vile enough to keep me away from others. I was just doing my daily quiet time when I found myself weeping . . . Uncontrollably weeping. I felt His presence so strong. Now I often think of Obed-Edom when David knocked on his door and asked if he could drop off the Ark of the Covenant for a few months. Had He come to my house?

  I hesitated thinking perhaps I was just hormonal and this would soon pass, but these emotions, feelings and awe remained. I couldn’t stop praying, I couldn’t stop crying and I remember trying to brush my teeth but I couldn’t stop speaking in tongues. What in the whole world is happening to me? I called my Dad. “Daddy, I don’t know what’s wrong with me.” 

  “What do you mean baby?”

  “I can’t stop praying.” I’m sure he could hear my voice cracking. 

  “Oh baby that’s beautiful.” Now his voice was cracking too. 

  I couldn’t find anyone to explain to me what was happening. I was waking up at three in the morning with a ravenous desire to pray. I was being woken up in the night to the Lord loudly filling me in on what was happening in peoples lives and telling me to pray. And even on those rare occasions I would fall back to sleep my entire body would jolt as though I had been pushed and would find myself wide awake. In my prayer time His presence would be so thick that I w felt as though I was wearing a heavy apron like they place on you at the dentists office when taking your dental X-rays. I was living daily in awe. My productivity level was dwindling and I was no longer satisfied with the high I received from checking things off my to do list.